Ground Zero, Advance Base Alpha, whatever name they went with at that particular moment for the YUYO’s party’s rather bourgeoise flat in a nice part of London, had been fairly quiet. That if you considered the nightly Beezlebubble’s terrible loud rap music blasting, the weekly fire alarms evacuating the entire building, and the bimonthly noise complaints accompanied by either an irritated patrolman or the apartment’s superintendent to be ‘quiet’, then it was quiet. At least Meowkazawa could find relief in winning the war over the common spaces. Only YUYO’s half of the flat remained under her tyrannical control, but no longer did the blanket forts consume the living room. Gone were the days where there was a smoke machine and a cotton candy machine in the dining room. The kitchen surprisingly had been maintained to meet sanitary standards of any fine dining establishment. Of course, Meowkazawa lost years on his life arguing with Yumi about the importance of keeping the common areas to the flat functional and efficient, to foster a strong community in the apartment. With the addition of Hiro Tanaka claiming a corner of Meowkazawa’s room to house his military cot, there still were several rooms left to be occupied but Meowkazawa had a sinking suspicion that Yumi would attract more maniacs to her army of misfits. Meowkazawa didn’t know if that was simply paranoia talking or a keen gut instinct tempered by his countless insane interactions with Yumi and other lunatics.

People liked her for some reason. She attracted people to her cause, no matter how imaginary or grandiose it might be, she had people fighting for her. Even Meowkazawa rooted for the girl, despite being an absolute terror in his life.

On this particular Sunday morning, Meowkazawa sat at the table. He had a cup of tea to his right and a buttered toast on his left. He shifted through the previous day’s newspaper, trying to decipher the various issues challenging his new home. Unfortunately, while Meowkazawa had no problem with speaking that bastard language known worldwide as English, he still struggled mighty with reading. So, he only understood half of the story printed and had to figure out the rest of the pieces of the puzzle on his own. A homeless man ate a priest’s face. The Queen’s favorite dog was knighted. European Union declared war on frisbees, but who cares? Brexit happened. British frisbees were safe. That was a real relief, right?

Then came the dreaded buzz of the doorbell. That meant trouble was afoot. He was the only one that would be awake this early on a Sunday morning. Meowkazawa slapped the newspaper down onto the table. He chomped off a few more bites of his toast before hauling ass to the door. The buzzing didn’t stop. Whoever pressed the doorbell didn’t relent for even a second. Their finger must be aching with soreness. He hoped Yumi slept past this disturbance. He never knew. The slightest sounds woke her. The loudest noises did not. She embodied such a contradiction. What’s new.

“Who is it?” Meowkazawa crossed his fingers, hoping it was the supe not a policeman.

“GO-AD D-YA,” a voice rang out. Chills went down his back. Had he discovered the first person fluent in pig Latin? He did not know. He hoped not. This was neither the cops nor the supe, this was a freak. What he had said? Like moths to the flame, these weirdos will come and will keep coming as long as Yumi welcomed them with open arms. He had to put in a stop to that behavior but he had not yet recovered from the previous battle.

“Are you okay? If you need medical assistance, I put a call in.”

“Screw it,” the visitor responded in perfect Japanese. This ruled out a few possibilities, but that meant there might be an off chance that this voice, grating to Meowkazawa’s ears, was a weeb, who decided to stalk YUYO as his loli-waifu. He shuddered. Imagining a girthy, sweaty, smelling neckbeard, he found the basis of his worst nightmare. He had a duty to protect Yumi from such creeps. But the voice continued after a moment, still in fluent Japanese, “I’m Neko Mori. I’m Yumi’s childhood friend and I’ve come to reunite her. She needs my help more than ever.”

“Childhood friend?”

“Yes, man, that was what I said, wasn’t it? Are you baka? Let me in at once. I demand to see Yumi. Don’t you think you can be this asshole gatekeeper! I’ll come up there myself, climb the fire escape if I have to, and kick your ass! I am here to see Yumi!” The aggression in the voice shot fear into Meowkazawa’s voice. He debated. He doubted Yumi had childhood friends kicking about. No girl of the right mindset would have associated themselves with Yumi. He imagined Yumi being kept in the back corner of the classroom. Never spoken to. Always spoken about. She would then randomly act her imagination, destroying any chance of friendship and comradery, leaving her as the scapegoat used to maintain the classroom’s unity. ’At least you’re not Yoyo over there!’, ‘Hey, just do it, you don’t want to be like that Yumi girl’, oh how kids could be so cruel. They would speak exactly loud enough that Yumi heard them talking, but not loud enough for her to decipher their cruel jokes. Nope, this visitor was an imposter. An obsessed fan that was trying to social engineer herself into their sanctuary. He best ignores the enemy. Hope they go away. If they keep up the buzzing, he’ll call the coppers.

“GO AWAY,” Meowkazawa yelled in English. Take that neckbeard.

A roar erupted through the intercom, causing all sorts of static, which was painful to Meowkazawa’s ears by the way. This visitor rang the doorbell a few more times but to his surprise, the stranger gave up. Meowkazawa settled back down at the table. He raised his teacup to his lips, slurped some of the hot honey-laden goodness into his mouth- CRASH!  A startled Meowkazawa dropped the teacup onto his lap- OW! Meowkazawa leaped up, hopping around as his crotch burned with the strength of thousand suns!  SUMABITCH! He reeled backward, falling into the doorframe before peeking in at the source behind the loud explosion in the kitchen.

There was a girl, perhaps fresh out of high school, but someone he definitely would think twice picking up on the subway. She wore a schoolgirl outfit, but he knew she had to be a little older. It had to be a fashion statement. Along with her pigtails, she was definitely trying to appear to be younger than she actually was. Trust him, Meowkazawa had a six sense when it came to identifying jail bail from young harlots. Believe it or not, back before the mask stuck to his face AND of course, before he married his beautiful wife, Meowkazawa was a bit of a player.

“Did you really climb the fire escape?”

“What? Speak Japanese, fuckface!”

“Don’t think you can burst in here, yell at me in such a way. I’m going to call the police now. I don’t have time for crazed fans,” Meowkazawa decided, heading towards the phone.

“And do what? You pissed your pants by a little girl! You’re so scared by a little girl you have to police! OH NO, POLICEMAN, THIS GIRL SCARES ME! SHE THREATENS ME so much that I peed my pants, officer! ARREST HER!” Neko Mori started in, waving her arms frantically. She closed the entire distance between them while Meowkazawa glanced down at the huge wet spot over his crotch.

“Baka, I spilled my tea because of you! These were nice pants!”

“OH NO! GIRL SCARED ME TO SPILL MY TEA! OH NO! MY DESIGNER PANTS ARE RUINED! Can you be any more of a little girl, MISSUS Meowkazawa,” she didn’t let up. This time she stabbed his chest with her very sharp, long fingernail that formed a weapon out her index finger. You know he knew she was older? Her voice. She could not disguise her voice to match the cuteness of her appearance. In fact, the way she spoke to him, sounded like she smoked cigarettes for years. Soon she would need one those vibrating things to be held up to her vocal cords to speak like she was talking into a fan.

“Listen here, young lady. I am a man of repute and I should never be addressed in such a fashion!”

“I said, SPEAK JAPANESE… fuckface. What are you? Some retarded Japanese man who doesn’t speak Japanese? How were you EVER hired to represent Yumi! I bet you sniff her underwear whenever she is out of the apartment! HENTAI! That’s right, you’re one of those furry hentais who get off by dressing up like an animal. RAWR! I’m a tiger, look at my raging erect penis—,” Neko continued her tirade, during which saw Meowkazawa backpedaling away from her. He swore are several times through her verbal barrage, she flipped him the middle finger. He didn’t know how to defuse this situation. He wanted to wave the white flag to stop the abuse!

“NEEEEEEEKKOOOOOOO!” Yumi’s voice called out from the other side of the dining room. Meowkazawa found her savior. He dropped to his knees, and thanked Yumi for the rescue. Plus, now he had confirmed that this wasn’t simply some obsessed fan.

“YUMMMMIIIIIIIIIIII!”

“NEEEEEEEKKOOOOOOO-CHAN!”

“YUMMMIIIII-SAAAAAMMMAAA!” Meowkazawa found himself fazed by the new melody spouting from Neko’s lips. She did sound like a girl, probably just in high school. Her high-pitch voice resonated with angelic chords. What was this sorcery?! Both girls ran to each other, leaping into the air, embracing themselves, before swinging around and around in a circle. They came to a stop. They held each other, before nuzzling the other cheek and then pecking each other on the lips.

“It is YUYO now. I have ascended.”

“My apologies, your cosmic highness. I’m sorry for the delay. I have answered your call to arms. I’ve come before you, a humble servant, offering my services to you once more!” Neko knelt before her, taking Yumi by the hand and kissing her ring finger despite there not being a ring. And she spoke to Yumi with the utmost respect! Meowkazawa bit his tongue. He had something to say but he decided a formal protest was not worth the headache. At this home intruder was on friendly terms with the self-acclaimed princess. He took his victories when he could.

“Raise, sir knight! Better late than never. YUYO is glad that you’ve rallied to my crusade! Together, we’ll rid this world of all that is evil and all that is black!”

“Yumi, never repeat that last part. You will find yourself in the middle of cancel culture.”

“You know what YUYO meant!”

“I understood everything. Who is this simpleton that you have chosen as your steward? HE IS AN IMBECILE, milady!”

“He’s useful sometimes,” Yumi’s defense of him was lacking to say the least. Meowkazawa grumbled underneath his voice about not ever getting respect. Yumi seemed to have noticed because she popped her hands on her hips and glared daggers towards him. “HE CAN ALSO BE A PAIN IN THE ASS!”

“He seems like it! Your words are too wise, milady!”

“Enough of the formalities, we’re all in good company. Just call me, YUYO,” Yumi responded, taking both Neko’s hands and helping her to her feet. Both girls looked longingly in each other years, intensely enough for Meowkazawa to think he might have fallen into a JAV or some of his more embarrassing dreams. But once again, they peck each other on the cheeks. And then Yumi spoke with a loud declaration: “FROM THIS MOMENT, NEKO MORI will ever be known as NEMO! I have elevated her to the status of princess, second only to me, YUYO, cosmic magical princess!”

“Don’t tell me.”

“You there, servant. Translate for me! I don’t know English!” Nemo pointed at him, leaving him to wonder why she wouldn’t just ask Yumi to speak in Japanese as she did before him.

“She said you are too a princess now, then she raised you from whatever pleasantry you came from, and made you a princess, second only to her,” Meowkazawa abided her, though there had been zero enthusiasm in his voice. He knew! He knew he wasn’t being paranoid! She attracted misfits! She attracted insane asylum inmates! This job will be the death of him. Why did he ever come back? Why did he ever leave his wife and kid behind!? For what? To be treated like some lowly manservant by his ward and her friends!

“REALLY?!” Neko screamed. Her hands went to each cheek and jumped up and down. “I’m a princess now! I’ve always wanted to be a princess! Today’s the best day ever! You better bring me your finest feast, fuckface thrall!”

“You’re not staying here.”

“She’s staying here.”

“Yumi, please. Please no.”

“I’ve made up my might, Mr. Meowkazawa. And she’s only right, tonight’s her coronation feast. You bring us the best cuisine London has to offer!” Yumi decided. Once Yumi decided, he had to bear the consequences. Really, he didn’t feel up to arguing. 

“Okay, we’ll get takeout tonight…”

“YAY!” Yumi exclaimed, proud of another easy victory as per usual.

But Neko didn’t seem happy, she continued to stare at him with that angry face. Yumi danced in a circle around her but Neko crossed her arms. “SERVANT! I said to talk in Japanese in my presence, not that deviltongue!”

“We’ll get you some help in English. Maybe a tutor but more importantly, we’re going to have you join me on the battlefield. And we’re in luck, we have nothing but the best teachers of the martial arts! Meowkazwa and Hiro will teach you how to be the best shield maiden ever!” Yumi declared. This news received an approving hum and head nod from Neko.

“Do I have to?”

“YES!” both ladies screamed at him. He guessed she did know a little English. His shoulders dropped in defeat as he slowly retreated to his room. His exit did not suppress the noise. In fact, he swore he heard horns and party streamers, a lot of crashing. They were going to get another noise complaint. He also wouldn’t be surprised if someone reported that Neko had taken the fire escape had her means to break into the apartment.

But he didn’t care. He had zero strength left to resist this. Maybe one day he will recover and have the will to fight, but right now, he didn’t have any perseverance left in the tank. He decided that he was going to lie there until dinner time, that way, things couldn’t get worse. He knew he wasn’t being paranoid and this Neko girl was bad news. She lacked manners. She seemed adamant in feeding into Yumi’s delusions, just like Beezlebubble. And unlike Beezlebubble, he did not have a mutual understanding of their roles. Just like that, he felt his earlier victories to have been vain. This was going to be the death of him.

Elsewhere in the apartment, Yumi led Neko to the living room for a seat on the couch. They were still holding each other hands, bouncing to each other at the excitement for seeing one another. 

“I don’t need too much help in wrestling, Yumi. Your father taught me for the past few months before I came here to find you! All of this sacrifice was meant to serve you, your cosmic highness!” Neko explained but she found a surprise when Yumi’s face turned pale white as if the Magical Cosmic Princess saw a ghost. “Did I do wrong?“

“You said you worked with my father?”

“I know I should probably have asked you if it was a good idea, but I wanted to surprise you. I didn’t want to come here all defenseless. I promise I can fight with the best of them. I will do so, to serve you, my magical princess.“

“Yes, yes, you did well. YUYO is just so happy that you’ve come to her side! Together, we will take over the world, then the solar system, then the galaxy, and if we feel up for it, the entire universe it too!” Yumi declared as she stood up, placing one foot on the couch, she pointed towards the sky. Neko clapped her hands furiously to create the impression of enormous applause. 

Together, they will do something great! Neko and Yumi both were certain about that, whatever it might be.